The Family Corner

Making the Best Investment

All marriages, no matter how good they might be, can be made better. A good marriage has some basic qualities that we can identify (over the next few months we will discuss each of these areas in this column):

Both partners are totally committed to the relationship and to each other.
They are willing to invest time and energy into the relationship.
They communicate effectively with each other.
They know how to manage and resolve conflicts.
They have learned how to be flexible.

There is no “right way” to be married; many different individuals come together in marriages, and relationships come in many different styles. But…one of the wrong ways to be in any relationship is to not invest in it.

If you consulted a good financial planner about investments for your future (not that any of us would be worried about that these days), here is what she might tell you:

Invest money regularly.

The types of investments you make will change, depending on your life circumstances. (When you are younger you might invest in riskier stocks; when you near retirement you might want them in more secure investments.)

Those same principles hold true in relationships. The more important the relationship, the more important those principles will be. Sometimes it is easy to maintain a strong relationship; the investments of time and energy may come easier at these times. Sometimes things will feel like you are stuck in neutral or even going downhill. You may need to find extra time to invest in your relationship, even though you might already be putting in a lot of effort. This kind of commitment to each other and to the relationship is crucial, and knowing that you are in this for the long haul makes the investment grow.

A Biblical “Love” Assessment

Many people use 1 Corinthians 13 in their wedding ceremony. It is a very beautiful poem written by St. Paul using God’s love as a model for our love for each other.

If I could speak with the tongues of mortals or of an angel,

...but do not have love, I am just a noisy, clanging cymbal.

If I have prophetic powers to understand the mysteries of life

...but do not have love, I am nothing!

Love is such an overused word in our society that it often loses its meaning. We have a hard time being specific about love. Following his soaring poetry, Paul “defines” the concept of love for us with a series of simple adjectives and phrases. Look carefully at the words and think about what they mean. They form a very insightful and powerful definition of love.

Here is an interesting exercise: Think of someone you love (a spouse, child, parent, or friend). Then use Paul’s words to “rate” how well you love that person. After each word or phrase write a number (1 is low, 5 is high) to rate how well you do in that particular aspect of your love:

When I think about my relationship to __________(name)

I am patient___
I am kind___
Not envious___
Not boastful___
Not rude___
Not irritable___
Not resentful___
I don’t insist on my own way___
I don’t rejoice in his trouble___
I am always truthful___
I can bear anything___
I am trusting___
I am hopeful about us___

After you have completed your assessment, take a look at the areas of your love for that person and think about what you might do to improve it. You can also do this exercise as a couple or as a family: compare your answers and discuss ways for you to grow together in your love. Have fun with it and enjoy your relationships!

Communication-An Essential Key

A word aptly spoken is like apples of Gol

in a setting of Silver. Proverbs 25:11

Communication is one of the most important elements of any relationship. It is not just sharing our thoughts and feelings; it is also our ability to listen, really listen, to the other person. Often in counseling, I would impose a rule, especially when discussions got heated or difficult: you may not speak until you have repeated what your partner just said...to their satisfaction. That may sound easy, but the truth is we only listen with half an ear. In a professional survey, couples most often listed inability to understand or share feelings and to listen as the greatest difficulties in marriage. (Based on a 1998 study by Dr. David Olsen, University of Minnesota, on a sample of 26,442 couples.)

Here is a communication quiz (while this quiz is designed for marriages, it can be used in any relationship—parent/child, friends). Each of you will take the quiz individually. As you do, rate yourself and the other person in each category. Use the following scale and place the score in the appropriate blank to the right:

Very Weak = 1; Weak = 2; O.K. = 3; Good = 4; Outstanding = 5

How do each of us do at: Me Him or Her

Sharing information with the other? _____ _____
Sharing feelings with the other? _____ _____
Sharing preferences & ideas? _____ _____
Talking about problems in our relationship? _____ _____
Carefully listening to the other? _____ _____
Really understanding the other? _____ _____

After you have completed your assessment, set some time aside (at least a half-hour) to talk together. Share your assessments in each area, discuss why your scores might differ, and talk about the areas where you can work together to strengthen your communications.

Our love is a gift from God and a work of art to be shared.

Please Listen to Me (author unknown)

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you haven’t done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are telling me to deny my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems, you haven’t actually helped me (as strange as that may seem).

Listen.

All I ask is that you listen. Not talk or do, just hear me.

The giving of advice can never take the place of the giving of yourself.

I’m not helpless or hopeless! When you do something for me that I need to do for myself you contribute to my fear...and my weakness.

But when you accept the simple fact that I do feel what I feel

(no matter how irrational it may sound to you), then I quit trying to convince you and we can get on with trying to understand

what’s behind my feelings. And when that’s clear, the answers become obvious. And do you know what? Your listening made it possible.

Feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them. Perhaps that’s why prayer works for people. Because God is still and doesn’t give advice or try to fix things. God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself, staying your “silent partner.”

So please listen and just hear me, and we can both keep in mind

that there are important times in our lives when we just need to be heard

Not cured!